Final Fantasy Stupidity
by Saosin4848
Summary: Sephiroth has gone mad and....CLOUD'S ENGAGED TO HIS PS2?
1. The really stupid beginning

**_Final Fantasy 7-Stupidity…_**

Yes I must start off with an author's note. This is my I'd say roughly sixth story. I am typing more that should be on by the end of this week. I have Fatal Frame let's kill Itsuki,Fatal Frame 3,Are you sure this is really Kingdom Hearts, and when the others are finished I'll update. All are humor at the moment. I'm working on a drama one right now. And if you don't like really stupid funny stuff don't read this. Thank you and I hope you enjoy.

_**Chapter 1-**_

"Cloud, your mean," Yuffie stated from the dark corner of Cloud's basement. She was tied up and dying from blood loss.

"I don't care Yuffie, have fun." Cloud turned away from her and went upstairs with the others.

"Cloudie-Kun!" Sephiroth jumped on Cloud and started licking his face. "Remember, I'm your loyal dog!"

"Get the freak off--!?" Spirit 'incidentally' stuck his tongue in Cloud's mouth.

"He's mine!" Aeris thwapped him in the head with her pokey stick. "You jerk! What the freak do you think your doing!?"

"It's his fault!" Sephiroth pointed at Cloud and started to jump up and down.

Then Cloud jumped up. "Ahh! Need to floss, brush, mouthwash! Need the mouthwash!" Cloud ended up drinking the whole jug of mouthwash.

Then Vincent walked in dragging a dead, or close to it, fifteen year old boy behind him. "Hey." Vincent bobbed his head to everyone and continued on to his room upstairs. As he was dragging the body, it bounced off of the wall and a chunk of the boy's hair was ripped out. "Oops."

"Uh, hey Vincent?" Cloud ran up to him. "What are you doing with the kid?"

"He is my disposable pet." Vincent dropped the kid.

Cloud then got a good look at the kid's face and almost screamed. "Oh my god! Oh my dear god! That's the freaking Sephiroth look alike thingy!"

"Oh, I know that. You want to hit him? Ten bucks a slash."

"No, let him go! He'll blow up my whole mansion! Ruin my army! Destroy everything!"

"You said you loved destruction!" Sephiroth was behind Cloud. "You lied to me!?" He began to cry and wept in a corner.

"I do but, I need my house, and my friends."

"When you say friends, you don't mean me…" Sephiroth cried harder.

"Your right, I don't. Well, I think I like the kid better than you." Cloud folded his arms and smiled. "You know, he might even--"

"Cloud!" Vincent shot him in the arm. "Don't get any ideas!"

"Holy crap my arm!" Blood started spurting everywhere.

"I've got it!" Aeris walked up to him and healed it. "Moron."

"Don't hit my Cloudie-Kun!" Sephiroth tried to help his obsession.

"He's not yours!"

"I'm not anybody's! Leave me alone!"

"But Cloudie-Kun, I cannot leave you alone. I cannot live without you!" Sephiroth was down on his knees.

"Oh I know what you mean…." Cloud also got down on his knees. "Come here." Cloud put out his arms as if waiting for a hug.

"Oh Cloudie-Kun! You do feel the same way I--" Sephiroth had come so close to Cloud when Cloud had hit him on the head with his sword.

"I don't think so! Your pathetic. Falling for a trick like that." Cloud stood up and went to his room.

"Cloudie-Kun… don't go!" Sephiroth was stretching out his hand like he would never see Cloud again.

"Shut up!" Vincent was holding his head. "Geez, since when was your voice so high and squeaky? You sound like a girl."

"I will do anything for my Cloudie-Kun! I would wear a dress, cut my hair!" Sephiroth turned evil on the last few words because we all know he would go nuts cutting his hair.

"Whatever. I have to go tie up my hostage." Vincent walked away dragging the Sephiroth look-a-like.

"Your… heavy breathing…. Cloudie-Kun?" Aeris was standing behind Sephiroth holding a butcher knife.

Cloud was in his room typing away on his laptop when he heard an explosion. He sighed, got up, went to his door and slightly opened it. Then, he stuck his head out. "You better not be fighting over me and blowing up the kitchen again, Aeris and Sephiroth!" Even though he said this, he knew this was exactly what they were doing.

"We would never do such a thing my Cloudie-kun." Sephiroth said this in a sweet voice.

"What do you mean yours!" There was another loud boom after Aeris had spoke.

Cloud closed his door and sat back down at his laptop. Then he sat there thinking. "What would everyone do if they knew I am engaged to my beloved PS2? I know I am good looking but, you are my one true love…" Cloud picked up his PS2 gently and hugged it.

"Cloud, how could you!?" Sephiroth was standing in his doorway with tears in his eyes. He also looked quite crispy and was steaming. He even had a little strand of hair on top of his head burning. "To think I got myself cooked for you!" Sephiroth ran away crying.

Okay that was the first chapter and um....hope you liked it. Thanks for reading.


	2. The really stupid second chapter

Okay chapter two! I will not waste your time so get to it!

_**Chapter 2-**_

"No wait, come back!" Cloud ran to the door but stopped. "What am I doing? I-I'm running after him? Could this be? No it can't! But it could! But it can't! Oh I'm so confused! My PS2, I must break off the engagement. Just for a little while." He took off the fake rings around his finger and his PS2 controller. "I'm sorry!" Then he started running after Sephiroth.

Sephiroth was outside. It was dark and around one a. m. , Tifa would be back from work soon. Sephiroth was chewing on his shirt, crying. He looked .like a pathetic fool who had tried too hard to win someone by the name of Cloud that he called Cloudie-kun! Takes a huge deep breath Forgive this crazy, psycho, screwed up author. Oh, and I know I don't have a life.

"Why doesn't Cloudie-kun like me? I've tried so hard. I even painted my nails pink and had a manicure." Sephiroth was sitting on a hassock and brought his knees up to his face. "It isn't fair! What does the PS2 got that I don't? Other than tons of hot people…Not to mention the ones on DVD's. I could get Cid to install some sort of computer something or other in me! Oh that's such a stupid idea…

"Sephi!" Cloud came running out of his mansion and ran towards Sephiroth in the backyard.

"It's Cloudie-kun! And he called me Sephi! squeal Hey wait a minute… He's just trying to use me again…" He say back down with an angry look on his face.

Cloud stopped beside Sephiroth on his knees. "Look, I can explain."

"Oh, no need to. I know your marrying your PS2. I saw and heard it all."

"No, I have broken off the engagement."

"Eeeek! You did!? I mean, why?"

"I don't know."

"Sniff sniff I hate you Strife!" Sephiroth started running back to the mansion, tripped, got up, and went back to running.

"Wow, he's really pissed. He hasn't called me Strife ever and he tripped. This isn't good. What do I do?"

"Stupid Strife!" Sephiroth was standing on his bed smashing a feather pillow against his wall and you can imagine how that turned out. "I hate him!" Sephiroth jumped down from his bed, ran to his bathroom and started washing the pink dye out of his hair. After that, he washed the make-up off of his face and took off the nail polish. "What in the hell am I doing all this for anyways?" Sephiroth was talking in his normal voice. "I'm such an ass!"

"Hey Sephiroth?" Vincent was just standing in the door of the bathroom with blood dripping off of his army knife.

"W-what are you-!?"

"I heard you talking normally so I stopped torturing my victim and came to check on you. Let me guess, Cloud doesn't like you?"

"Who…are you talking about. I don't know who that is.." Sephiroth continued to cleanse his face.

"That bad is it? I suppose it's always this way when you find out someone you love is engaged to an irresistible PS2..." Vincent shook his head in pity

"Oh why couldn't I have been the PS2?" Sephiroth started to rub away his tears and sank to the floor.

"Cause if you were, you'd have no feelings. That PS2 doesn't have a brain. It will never know Cloud loves it. Unless Cid got to it…I mean uh…" Vincent put his hands up and backed away a bit.

"I'll kill Cid! He'll never know what hit him. If he's not alive, he can't play with electronics!" Sephiroth's eyes turned red.

"Dude…or chick, your trying too hard."

"You stay out of this!"

Cloud was still sitting outside. As a matter of fact, he was sitting in the exact spot Sephiroth had been. He was picking apart a daisy saying; "He hates me, he hates me a lot." He was referring to Sephiroth.

"Oh but Cloudie-kun, I do not hate you…" Sephiroth was back to his pathetic self.

"Sephi! You really need to stop dying your hair pink…You look way too much like Flay from Gundam Seed…" Soon after Cloud said this, he tried taking it back even though it was way too late.

"Your right…" Sephiroth surprised the hell out of Cloud. "Your right Vincent! I'll never be like the PS2!"…for a second…"I am too pathetic!"…Sephiroth started running away again.

"No wait! Don't gooooooo!" Cloud started running after him and incidentally grabbed his hair out of reflex. "Ahh the pink! It burns!" His hand started to sizzle and bubble.

"Cloudie-kun!…Blizzaga!" Sephiroth used blizzaga which looked cool for a minute but soon froze Cloud completely. "Oh my god! Firaga!" Cloud started burning. "Um, um, thundaga!" Cloud almost got knocked out. "I know I'm forgetting something…"

"Water Sephi, water!"

"That's it! Waterga!" Finally Cloud was alright, but his hair had gone flat.

"My hair!" He immediately pulled out a huge tube of hair glue and fixed his hair. "That's much better…I missed a spot!" He went back to fixing his hair but he had no mirror.

"I'll get it…Cloud…" Sephiroth was going back to normal, the water had washed the dye out of his hair. "Perfect as usual…sniff sniff Why must I be a living person!? Why can't I be a PS2!?"

"Just when I thought he was normal." Cloud covered his mouth. "Did I say that out loud?"

"Y-your so mean!"

"Hey, speaking of which, Yuffie's still in my basement."

"Fine, be that way! I'll never talk to you again!"

"That's not true!" Cloud tried screaming this as Sephiroth ran away.

"So!?"

"Ha, I got you!"

"You have no--" Sephiroth ran into Vincent and was knocked out by his gun because his head hit it.

"Oops…Another disposable pet?" Vincent picked up his hair and began to drag him inside when his other "disposable" pet came running outside.

"Sephir--I mean Master Sephiroth!" The

Look-a-like ran down the stairs to help his fallen master who was supposed to be dead anyways. "How dare you!?"

"How'd you get out!? I knew I should have used chains." Vincent walked closer to the look-a-like, hit him in the head with his gun, then dragged him back to his room. "Now stay here!"

The look-a-like was in the closet with a steel door, tied up in steel chains, and gagged with a sock. "Mmmmph…."

"Sephiroth no!" Vincent heard someone scream and ran downstairs. Sephiroth was strangling Cloud's PS2 and his eyes were red.

"Must…die…"

"Please don't kill the PS2! I'll never be able to play Kingdom Hearts again!"

"Kingdom Hearts!?" Sephiroth dropped the PS2. "I love that game!"

"He's really lost it…" Vincent stood there shaking his head. "he's officially become stupider than Kira Yamato's Sora…"

"No way!" Tifa was standing next to Vincent shaking her head. "I never thought that was possible."

"Hey, I never said he was stupider than Kira Yamato himself.

"No one can get as stupid as that…I mean--!"

Hey!Think about who your talking to! I may be under a Different name now, but that's just for this story.

"Who are you this time?" Vincent asks me. "Damn right I do!"

Well, I'm not sure yet. Anyways, get back to the story line!

"I didn't know there was one."

There isn't really…But I'm coming up with it as I go so there!

"Hey Sephiroth, you might want to stop banging Cloud's head on the wall."

"No! I don't wanna! I hate you Strife!"

"Oh my god! Please say it again!" Cloud slipped out of Sephiroth's grip and was kneeling in front of him.

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

"This is the best day of my life!"

"Mine too…" Vincent was enjoying the scene.

"Yup, this is definitely good." Tifa was agreeing with the other two. "This is better than Jerry Springer!"

"Cloud how could you!?" Sephiroth started beating the crap out of Cloud. This resulted in Cloud's ass being kicked and punched.

"No! Anything but that! My ass is sensitive! Why in the hell are you hitting my ass anyways!?"

"It was being mean!"

Sephiroth and Cloud started screaming in each others faces. Soon there was spit all over them and they were chewing on each other. Which brings me to the point of…the fact that this is probably never going to get to the Final Fantasy point forever which will make it all the more longer. Everyone, I've lost it! MUWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

"Shut up you two girls!" Vincent was covering his ears which seemed to be bleeding. "Look what you did! You disturbed my disposable pet…" Vincent started going to his room. "Be quiet before I get out the magnum point forty four!" He was singing all sweetly with a little giggle. Then when he got to his room an explosion could be heard.

"Oh no! He's got the gun!" Cloud ran to his room.

"Who in the hell stole my gun!" Vincent was going nuts and tearing apart his room.

"This gun?" The dude with long red hair from the Shinra gang had it and had mysteriously appeared in what was the "clean" part of Vincent's room.

"Give that back!" Vincent dove for the gun but tripped over the leg of the SLA and fell. This was a good thing because Vincent would have gotten shot. This was also another good thing because it hit Tifa and she died.

"Stop!" Cloud raised his hands in the air. "We have to throw a party right now for the death of Tifa."

"Let's do it!" The dude from Shinra dropped the gun.

Pretty soon, there was Mountain Dew bottles all around the mansion. Not to mention the pizza boxes, video game cases, and manga. Vincent took this as his chance to grab the gun. Everyone else was out cold from Sephiroth hitting them and then himself. He Didn't hit Vincent because he was being very quiet and planning how to kill the dude from Shinra. Now, he was going to get his gun back. This would be very interesting…

"I will prevail…" Vincent was whispering to himself.

He quietly crept up the stairs and into his room where he grabbed the gun. Now he couldn't use his brilliant plan.

"Oh well, I'll use it anyways…" Vincent smiled like it was Halloween and randomly pulled out a bazooka. Then all of a sudden, the dude from Shinra was no more.

"I swear I didn't kill him, tie him up, and shove him under my bed!" Sephiroth woke up.

"Be quiet." Cloud got up after him.

"Why should I listen to you, Strife!?"

Vincent had been having a good few minutes when everyone started screaming. "Shut up!" He aimed the bazooka at the PS2."I'll blow it up!"

"And that's gonna affect me how?" Sephiroth smiled like he figured everything out.

"If the PS2 is gone, Cloud will kill you too!" Vincent started breathing heavily.

"You wouldn't Cloudie-kun!" Sephiroth covered his mouth.

"Okay! I'll shut up! Just don't blow it up!" Cloud was on his knees crying.

"Your right, you will shut up!" Vincent had a gleam in his eyes. "CID!!!" He called for Cid Highwind.

"Someone call?" Instead he got the Cid from Final Fantasy Unlimited.

Yes I know this isn't much of a chapter but I'm going to be typing more and it should be on later tonight.Thanks for any support I get.


	3. The really stupid third Chapter

_**Chapter 3-**_

"No, I didn't!" He shot him with a bazooka. "Cid!"

"What!?"

"Come heavy breathing here… Ahahahahahahaha! Muuuuwahahahahahahahaha!"

"No, please! Don't get Cid!"

"Fear…I like it…" Vincent dropped the bazooka. "What are we talking about?" Since Vincent lost his anger he turned back to normal.

Then Cloud fainted. So of course Sephiroth strained himself to catch him and ended up knocking over the aquarium. Vincent saved it but stepped on Sephiroth's leg and fell.

"Owie!" Sephiroth dropped Cloud and grabbed his crushed leg.

"You dropped me!" Cloud started to cry and grab his head.

"I'm sorry Cloudie-kun! I'll kiss it and make it better!" Sephiroth was going to kiss Cloud's head but Cloud's largest spike poked him in the eye. "Ahh!" His eye started to bleed.

"Blood!" Vincent really wanted to lick it but Cid caught him.

"Everybody shut up!" Cid was getting pissed off. "Hey author! Heal his eye!"

I'm on vacation.

"Your writing!"

You have no proof.

"Your writing comments and no one else can!"

I can still be writing on vacation.

"Heal his eye!"

Fine…There, he lives…

"Yay! I'm not bleeding anymore."

All of a sudden, Cloud started to cry.

"Cloudie-kun, what's wrong!?" Sephiroth started to freak out. "Are you hurt!? Are you bleeding internally!? Oh god, your dying aren't you!?" Sephiroth started checking Cloud's head for bullet wounds, but he couldn't find anything. "Why are you crying!?"

"I--don't--n--know!" Cloud continued to wail because I wanted him to.

"Stop making Cloudie-kun cry!" Sephiroth started a water ball in his hand that continued to get bigger. Soon it started coming at me but Sephiroth forgets who I am…And that's why I can reflect it.

"You…" Sephiroth started to grow red in the face.

"No Sephi, it will kill you!" Cloud was actually thinking about Sephiroth. " I didn't just say that!" Cloud covered his mouth.

"Yes you did." Cid replayed it on his tape recorder. "No Sephi, it will kill you!"

"I'm so confused." Cloud held his head and rocked back and fourth. "PS2, or Sephi?"

Sephiroth was stunned. "He can't choose between me and the PS2!? Oh my god!" Sephiroth was thinking to himself happily. "I can see it now…We'd be wonderful together…Have a huge gaming room with--" Sephiroth stopped. "NO PS2!" He had become angered over seeing the PS2 in his daydreams. This resulted in a dead Cid. "Oopsies…" Sephiroth had regained his senses.

"Aww man…he didn't even enhance my gun yet…" Vincent was poking him. "Oh well! Guess I get to eat him!" Vincent can be heard slurping in the background.

"You killed out navigator!" Cloud was frantic. "How do we go anywhere now!?" They were just too stupid to go anywhere themselves…pity…

"Hey! Don't we need to throw a party!?" Vincent was done eating the corpse.

"Of course!" Cloud pulled a keg of Mountain Dew out of his back pocket. Then he pulled out a small cell-phone. "Thirty cheese pizzas, wings, and blue cheese for the side." They eat a lot and usually throw a party. But this time, they only ordered for themselves. (No I didn't forget about Yuffie.)

"Sephiroth set up the P----g-game cube!" Cloud caught himself then went to Vincent's ear. "Get the PS2. I'll get the DVD's and we're stayin' up until four!" Cloud was directing the insanity.

"Yes sir!" Vincent was referring to Cloud since he controlled an army.

Soon they were all on the Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. They were all for once being cooperative. It was very scary…

At about four a. m., everyone was out cold and drooling on the floor except for Vincent. He liked the night. He was also planning on how to cut Sephiroth's hair.

"Waste length with ribbons. No! Shoulder length with pigtails! No, bald!" Vincent had been very quiet until the last idea and woke up Sephiroth. "Oops…" But Sephiroth just went back to sleep with his face in the pizza.

Then there was a loud boom and Aeris came through the wall. (Bet you were wondering where she went.) Then she hit Vincent and put her pokey stick through the (dare I say it?) PS2!(giggle)

By now Sephiroth and Cloud were awake. Sephiroth was confused and Cloud wasn't moving. Sephiroth saw this and began to freak out again.

"Cloud, what's wrong!?" He started to shake Cloud violently when tears started flowing out of Cloud's eyes.

"P-PS2..." Cloud hugged Sephiroth and cried.

"It's okay! I'll buy you a new one!" (We all know Sephiroth is happy about this)

"It's not the same!" Cloud started to cry harder.

"We can fix this one!"

"Cid 's dead!"

"Oh yeah…"

This only made Cloud cry harder. "WAHHHH-HAAA!"

Aeris made a quick get away because she knew Cloud would kill her when he was done crying. Of course, she was right.

"Target locked…" Before Aeris could get away fully Cloud had locked onto her as a target. "Kill until nothing is left." Cloud grabbed Vincent's gun out of his hand and aimed it at Aeris. Everyone knows when Cloud gets a target he'll never stop until the target is dead.

"No! I didn't mean to…" Aeris was trying to back away.

"Target in range…" Cloud aimed with the magnum point forty four and fired. It hit Aeris in the head and she went flying out of the wall and into Cloud's forest. "Target destroyed."

"Cloudie-kun?" Sephiroth came up to him with much caution." Are you safe?" .00000000000000000001 seconds after he asked this Cloud started to wail again.

"PS2! Come back!" He was holding his beloved PS2.

"Cloud…it can't come back…" Vincent was trying to comfort Cloud and shed a few tears for the fallen beloved.

"Why!? Why did it have to end like this? Why couldn't it have been Sephiroth or Vincent?"

Sephiroth stood there like a statue. "Me? That little arrogant…" Sephiroth's eye started twitching. "Cloud, how could you!?" Sephiroth ran away crying again.

Vincent didn't even say anything. He was used to Cloud acting this way.

"You bastard!"

I said you were getting used to this and wouldn't get angry now stop being angry!

"You little…" Vincent's eyes were turning red. "I'll kill you…" He started talking in a grisly voice. "Die!"

No! Don't touch him! Stop being angry, now!

"PS2, attack!" Cloud tried making the PS2 attack Vincent but it is…BROKEN AND UNLIVING!

"Why doesn't Cloudie-kun like me anymore? I've got it! I'll wear a pink frilly dress, get an entire body wax, and a sex change!" Sephiroth ran off to do all this.

After half an hour, Vincent stopped chasing Cloud because his favorite anime Rurouni Kenshin was on. So he was sitting there as if nothing had happened. Cloud was sweating and hiding in a corner behind the couch.

"Come on Cloud…" Vincent was patting his hand on the cushion next to him. Then he turned his head to Cloud in a very scary manner with a sweet smile on his face. "Come sit I won't hurt you."

Cloud sat there for a minute deciding what to do. He came to two conclusions. If he stayed where he was, Vincent couldn't grab his throat but he might get mad if he didn't move. In the end, Cloud was sitting next to Vincent.

"So best friend!" Vincent grabbed Cloud's throat in a creepy manner with his nails digging into his skin. "What's going on?"

"Besides the fact that your scaring the fuck out of me and are sticking your fucking nails through my flesh? Not much, what's up with you?" Cloud was talking calmly.

"That's good to hear. I'm just having fun planning on how to kill you."

"Okay then, what are you going to do with the body after that?"

"Maybe eat it…" Vincent was drooling at this point and scaring Cloud even more.

"I'm gonna die. I'm gonna fucking die!…" Cloud was crying.

"Your probably right…"

"But we have to bury my beloved!"

"I'll arrange."

"Cloudie-kun!" Sephiroth had come back. "I have a surprise for you!" When Sephiroth came in he saw Cloud on the ground with tomato sauce around him. No wait… tastes itIt's blood…

"CLOUDIE-KUN!"

Vincent started to back away. "La la la…I'm not here…"

"Die…" Sephiroth's eyes turned red and he…er….it…hit Vincent with the magic Ultima.

"Owwiee!" Vincent's ass was on fire. "Ow!" Vincent ran into the kitchen and put his ass out with a bowl of pudding.

Soon Sephiroth ran into the kitchen and grabbed a dill pickle. Then he ran to Cloud with it and waved it in front of his nose. "I know you love these, so wake up!"

Since I don't feel like Sephiroth's whining today, I brought Cloud back to life.

"The pickle worked! I knew it would!" Sephiroth stopped as Cloud was not saying anything." Huh?"

"What the hell did you…" Cloud was staring at Sephiroth's chest." This isn't happening…" Cloud got up and walked away.

"But Cloudie-kun, I did it for you!" Sephiroth tried to chase after him.

"Just stay away from me woman!" Cloud got out his sword.

"But Cloudie-kun, I am still a man inside. I'm just different on the outside." Sephiroth started walking closer.

"Stay back! Yeah, way too different!"

"Why do you hate me!? I do everything for you! I even hand wash your underwear!"

"Oh, you do?"

"Yes I do! Who do you think cleans your laundry?"

"I always thought it magically cleaned itself! My mother lied to me all these years!" Cloud started to cry." Mother, how could you!?"

"Cloud? When did you get back alive?" Vincent was sitting in the kitchen eating when Cloud knocked down the wall with his sword.

"Oh, hey Vincent." Cloud turned around and continued the line of destruction. "Evil, dead mother! I hope your in hell!"

"Cloudie-kun, the balcony!"

Cloud fell over the balcony. "Ahha!"

"Oh no! The picker bushes are under there!" Sephiroth tried to think of magic to use. "Gravity!"

"Not strong enough!" Cloud continued to fall.

"Uh, gravi- gravi-…"Sephiroth tried to think and was drooling. Then he remembered it. "Gravira!"

"Thank you sweet lord! I knew you didn't want me to die! I--" Cloud's head slammed into the bottom of the balcony.

"Oh dear." Vincent came out behind Sephiroth. "Looks like our personal gorilla has been knocked out."

"Hey, is that… Chester from Linkin Park? Oh and look, it's Frank from My Chemical Romance…" Cloud was dreaming…again…

Well there you have it. That's the last that is written but I know there will be more.


End file.
